We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
