Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I just want to make out with him forever
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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