She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
