I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
Two words: blizzard sex
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
