somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
