i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
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