If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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