its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
