just come out here and I will go home with you...
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
