Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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