so explain again why im purple
no
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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