omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize