I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
