there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
