I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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