he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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