I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
