apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Randomize
