all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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