She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Randomize
