4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
