Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
