if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
