the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
