90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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