Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize