Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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