I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
