Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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