Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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