Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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