Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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