did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
