Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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