Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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