the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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