what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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