his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
