I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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