why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
