What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
