I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
