Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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