shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
