Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
is it fun? or sober?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
