The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You are the jesus of drinking
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Randomize
