I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
