I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
