Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
