Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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