you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
