great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
