i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
