can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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