My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
