Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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