I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You're a disaster
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