remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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