wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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